Bono hates you

So my little sister turns 17 tomorrow. Have I got her a present? No. Has she told me what she wanted? Yes.

I know it seems I'm already establishing myself as a bit of an arse having not got her anything - and I know the good in you might be thinking "well, maybe she's being unreasonable, and has asked for something ridiculously expensive and/or rare?"

Well, she hasn't. Not in theory, anyway. Not in monetary terms. She's asking for my pride - for me to swallow it, shit it out and then flush it away. And no, before you're mislead - she's not requesting that I defecate on the floor and roll around in it for the amusement of her mates or something equally belittling either. What she wants is a red iPod Nano.

Just an iPod Nano - should be simple, right? Unfortunately, no. You see, the red iPod Nano, doesn't quite sit alongside the rest of Apple's garishly-coloured Nano range. It stands upright, head and shoulders above, floating on an air of oh-so-noble moral rectitude. Why? Because it's a special edition, belonging to Saint Bono's Product RED initiative.

What Product RED is, if Saint Bono or some other (probably quite hypocritical) Product RED patron hasn't forced their mantra down your throat already, is a brand that companies can smear over their products if they agree to give a percentage of the profits from that particular product to the Global Fund charity (that gives aid to help combat malaria, tuberculosis and HIV). Don't get me wrong - the Global Fund is a good cause that should certainly be supported. And, in theory, Product RED is quite a good way of giving rich Westerners a reason to contribute. Only in theory, however, because in practice, well... firstly, it sort of ignores that some people are inherently selfish bastards. Some people, that is, not you or I I'm sure, but some people none-the-less. And what do these people do? Exploit other selfish bastards.

So, the great Product RED: make a special-edition red version of your product, sell it for a little premium and give some of the profit to charity, and watch as the soulless penny-grabber that bought as many copies of your product as they could then runs to eBay and shifts them for even more cash (due the product's "*RARE!!!*" status and philanthropic fashion-appeal), of which none gets passed onto the Global Fund. How ironic that so many of the people that usually end up using these products, looking to promote their own right honourable and charitable selves, probably paid a lot more money to some ethically-challenged opportunist than either the manufacturer or indeed any charity, least of all the Global Fund.

I could avoid all of this and just buy one of these special-edition Nanos directly from Apple - if they have one in stock - and then I'd know the money I spent went to the proper cause, and everything would be OK, wouldn't it? It doesn't matter that these things give wily little entrepreneurs a way of making a quick buck by selling their limited-edition product off to the highest bidder, does it? After all, at least they themselves actually would have given something to the proper cause.

Well, to me it does matter. Maybe I'm overreacting, but it's the tone of Product RED that bothers me most - I can appreciate their cause, and I can appreciate that some people don't prioritise these kinds of causes like they should, perhaps. But Product RED just wants to tar us all with the same brush - a brush of filth, fit for our disgusting and greedy little faces - and I don't like it. The way I can feel their beady, condescending little eyes judging my disgustingly indulgent self through my monitor as I view their product or browse their website. The way I can hear Bono's constant urging, his hateful words in my mind - "go on, buy it - it is RED don't you know? And you like that don't you, the fancy colour, you materialistic little prick." Bono thinks we're all equal - equally disgusting, equally ignorant, and he hates us all - each and every one of us. Equally.

If you look at their website, you might experience this too. I mean, the only way to actually find out some actual information about Product RED is to click "Learn". Learn. "Yes, you ignorant, slobbering fool - put your grasping little claw of obliviousness on the mouse, click here and LEARN" is what it might as well say, the word implies such disdain. The entire website has that all-over patronising sense of "you're a greedy, selfish Westerner with little/no knowledge of anything truly meaningful, with interest only in the latest designer products" about it - a persistent, cynical theme revolving around you being an idiot and Product RED being a necessary saviour. Which of course is quite ironic, as it turns out quite a few people are smart enough to exploit the limited availability and special-edition status of most Product RED goods and make more money for themselves out of each sale than the Global Fund actually sees. It's one thing to push the belief that most people are selfish, narcissistic fools - but when you know that it's being pushed on you by the same self-regarding bastards under the guise of selfless nobility, it's a bit much.

So I've pleaded with my sister to just let me buy her a regular, normal-coloured one (you know, one of those "normal" coloured iPods whose hues are so lurid they look like Steve Jobs had an acid trip and ate Smarties 'til he puked before he chose them), and then donate some money to the Global Fund myself? Thus sparing the big part of the "donation" you make being "donated" to the poor, impoverished soul working for Product RED, who probably lives off nothing but his own inflated sense of self-righteousness anyway.

But alas, she wants a red one. It'll make no difference to me in the future if I get a red one for her I'm sure (once the recurring nightmares of Bono slapping me on the back, telling me I've done him proud and offering to dedicate an entire U2 gig to me stop at least), so maybe I should just stop holding onto silly principles and get it for her? Well, it'd be late now... so yeah I guess I am bit of an arse after all. And I probably can't afford it anyway. Certainly not if Apple don't have it in stock and I have to try and get it through some smug bastard on eBay. Maybe I should buy one from Apple when they have them back in stock, and once they're sold-out again I could sell it off for extra? That way I could get some cash together first. Hell, I could do that a bunch of times and get myself all sorts of fancy things...


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Bono thinks we're all equal. Equally disgusting, equally ignorant, and he hates us all - each and every one of us. Equally.